


The Monsters Inside

by trashofthethings



Category: Mech-X4 (TV)
Genre: I also straight up made up my own vague monster I can do that right, Mark is a good brother, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Ryan has some issues, description of a panic attack/flashback, takes place throughout season 1
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-08-07
Updated: 2018-08-07
Packaged: 2019-06-23 04:48:30
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,719
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15598620
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/trashofthethings/pseuds/trashofthethings
Summary: Something is going wrong in Ryan's head, something weird and psychological that he doesn't quite understand. He doesn't know how to tell his friends, and he's afraid that Mark will think he's weak. Can Ryan find it in himself to come clean about his problems, and will Mark step up to the plate to be there for his brother?Inspired by Season 1, episode 5, "Let's Be Idiots".





	The Monsters Inside

Ryan Walker was fine. That’s what he’d been telling everyone since he’d become the pilot of Mech-X4, anyway. He said it so much that he believed it himself, and believed that it would always be that way. Maybe Ryan took a beating more often than the average person, but a few bruises and the occasional dislocated shoulder wouldn’t kill him. Was his whole body sore all the time? Sure, but nothing he couldn’t handle. All Ryan ever had to do was let Harris take a look at him in the medbay and fix him up. Often, it was a simple matter of applying ice or heat. Easy to diagnose, easy to take care of. Totally fine.

It turns out that not every consequence was so easy to understand. Ryan learned that when he woke up in a cold sweat, thinking he was going to die.

His dream had been terrifying. It was a flashback to the fight with Clawboon, but the fight was somehow so much more distressing when being recalled than it was in the actual moment. Ryan’s adrenaline probably kept the debilitating fear at bay during the fight, but asleep and defenseless in bed at night, the monster’s cry ringing in his head sent fear coursing through him.

Ryan’s eyes snapped open, his shirt clinging to his chest, his breaths sharp and shallow, his heart pounding in his ears. The only thought racing through his mind was that he was going to die. No, that he _was_ dying, right there. A gripping sense of impending doom overwhelmed him. He trembled violently as his chest seemed to squeeze tighter and tighter. He couldn’t catch a breath. He couldn’t do anything but lay and shake and cry and, somewhere in the back of his mind, hate how out of control he was.

Eventually, thankfully, Ryan’s breathing slowed, his heart calmed, and the sense of immediate danger receded, leaving him shaken to his core. His sweat-soaked sheets were hot and constricting. Ryan slowly untangled himself from them and sat on the edge of his bed. He took a few ragged, deep breaths and ran his hands over his face.

What the _heck_ had happened?

Had he been poisoned? Did he hit his head a little too hard on the ground when he was knocked down in the robot? Did the monster have the ability to mess with his head? Was that a thing with the monsters now? Memories of fighting had bothered him a few times since he’d started piloting Mech-X4, but it didn’t cause any reaction more intense than a cringe. So, what was all this about?

Ryan’s mind was too muddled to process whatever had just overtaken him. Trying to fall back asleep was the only real option for him at that point, but now, he wasn’t sure he wanted to. Ryan glanced at the clock, which told him it was 2:13 in the morning. The alarm would start blaring at 6:00 whether he got any sleep or not.

Man, school was going to be fun the next day.

 

 

Running solely on a cup of coffee, the three hours of sleep he’d gotten prior to waking up at around 2:00, and the few minutes he’d gotten here and there after that, Ryan stood at his locker and stared into it. For the life of him, he couldn’t push through the fatigued cloudiness of his mind to remember what he needed for his morning classes. Especially not when the hallway was so loud. Was it usually this loud? The cacophony of a hundred overlapping conversations pounded in Ryan’s ears. He wanted to cover them with his hands, or duck into the nearest classroom and close the door- anything to block out the deafening chatter. Suddenly, Spyder appeared with Harris in tow, catching Ryan off guard.

“Hey, Ry!” Spyder said, giving Ryan a friendly couple of punches on the arm. Ryan flinched and grimaced slightly at being touched and at Spyder’s piercingly loud greeting in his ear. Taking notice, Spyder’s brow furrowed a little in concern.

“Dude, you okay? You look a little...queasy. You didn’t eat my locker fish sticks, did you?”

“First of all, ew,” Ryan joked, laughing a bit as he settled down. “And I’m fine, but do you guys think it’s a little loud in here?”

“Not any louder than normal,” Harris said, shrugging. “Why?”

For a moment, Ryan considered explaining. But what could he say that wouldn’t make him sound totally crazy? “No reason,” he answered, pulling some notebooks out of his locker and hoping they were the right ones. “I should be getting to class. See you guys later.” Ryan made his way to class as quickly as possible, thankful to be in a quieter room. He felt bad about leaving Harris and Spyder while having barely talked to them, but he couldn’t hold a conversation. Not then, not while he was still freaked out by whatever was going on in his head. Maybe later he’d tell them something was up. Harris might be able to help. To tell them, though, Ryan would have to figure out how to put it all into words. Until then, he’d act fine. Like he always was. He was still totally fine, right?

 

 

After school, Ryan skated to the secret headquarters of a giant robot hero and took the elevator up said robot’s leg. It was still a little surreal that this was his new normal. He skated into the X-Deck, and Harris immediately bombarded him with an update.

“Hey, Ryan, check this out! I’m trying to create a weapon in the chest. I thought we could use something more powerful after we got our butts kicked by Clawboon,” Harris said, and it rang in Ryan’s ears.

_After we got our butts kicked by Clawboon._

Without warning, the memory of the giant crab-like monster attacking Mech-X4 and knocking the robot to the ground intruded Ryan’s head, so vividly it was almost as if he could see it in front of his eyes. He could feel his chest tighten and his stomach churn. Ryan looked slightly sick as he turned the corner into a hallway where Spyder was trying to fix a piece of machinery. The sound of the sporadic, electric buzzing of his tool launched Ryan’s mind into a flashback of being thrown by an explosion and hitting the ground. Ryan cringed hard and turned his head away. This couldn’t happen again. Not there. He kept walking, trying to make his mind go blank and to stop from boiling over. Ryan turned another corner to where Mark was fixing something with a hammer. The metallic _bang, bang, bang_ sounded a bit too much like Jaguasaur clawing at Mech-X4 or like Ryan’s body slamming onto the floor. The consistent banging was becoming overwhelming. There was suddenly noise coming from everywhere. Spyder was talking and Harris was talking and Mark was banging and the memories in Ryan’s head got louder and louder and Spyder was standing too close and the room was closing in and _how was Ryan expected to keep his cool when he felt like he was going to tear in half?_

“Everyone, shut it for, like, three seconds!” he finally exploded. His teammates were taken aback, but least they finally stopped making all that noise.

“You okay?” Mark asked, and as Ryan’s head started to clear, he realized that this was probably the time to explain himself, but he still didn’t know what to say. How could Ryan possibly tell the awesome Mark Walker that he cried like a baby at two in the morning because a little fight had scared him? Mark would think Ryan was weak, and Ryan couldn’t be weak. He had to prove he was the right one for the job. Prove it to Mark, prove it to his friends, and prove it to himself. He was the pilot of a city-saving robot. Basically a superhero. And superheroes could deal with a fight.

Do heroes cry?

“Yeah. No, yeah, I don’t-” Ryan fumbled over words, trying to lie, trying to say he was fine because that’s what he always said. This lie, though, was a little too big for him to stick to. He sighed. “I don’t know.” First time for everything, right? But he didn’t dare tell the whole story. Not yet, anyway. “I’m sorry. I have all these people depending on me. And I’ve been having all these flashbacks. I have to go from zero to, like, kicking monster butt in like six seconds,” Ryan explained, hardly even trying to hide the stress from his voice. Maybe, somewhere in the back of his mind, he hoped that his team would pick up on what he wasn’t saying. Maybe they’d be able to tell at least a little that he was really shaken by what he’d been through. He even dropped the word “flashbacks”. That had to say something kind of serious was going on, right? Ryan thought he saw a Mark take on a look of real empathy, but a half-smile flashed across his brother’s face that told Ryan he’d misread the situation. Mark thought he knew exactly what was up. That it was simple, when it wasn’t.

“Ah, feeling the pressure,” Mark said, as if he totally understood what Ryan was experiencing. At least he was being genuine instead of teasing. Going along with what Mark said would be easier than coming clean, anyway. Besides, maybe Mark was right. Everything might be fine if Ryan just found a way to take off some pressure. He gave a little nod. “You know what I do when that happens to me?” Mark continued. “I do something just for me.”

 

 

So, Ryan took the advice. Before Mech-X4, when he actually had hobbies and free time, Ryan liked to skate. He entered a skating competition. Things didn’t totally go as planned, but he did something for himself, and that’s what mattered. That meant he was fine, right? He took Mark’s de-stressing advice, and everyone was going to move on and Ryan was fine again. At least, he got better at acting like it. He constantly felt on edge, he just hoped his friends didn’t notice.

Whatever had happened to Ryan when he’d woken up from the nightmare hadn’t happened again, so that was good. However, he was always scared that it might happen again. He’d been totally out of control of the situation. Ryan knew that if he experienced it again, he wouldn’t be able to stop it. He could just get help. In the back of his mind, Ryan knew that sharing his burden would make things easier, and yet it was still the little detail of vocalizing the problem that held him at a standstill.

He’d tell them. For sure. Eventually.

A monster alert came in. Time to be a hero. There wasn’t any room for weird mind problems. Maybe it would just pass. Ryan told himself it would as he strapped himself into the cockpit and stared down the newest beast through the visor. This was easy. Routine. Something physical, rather than psychological, abstract, and messy. He could handle a little fight.

Before long, the giant monster turned to bright orange ooze. There was a chorus of celebratory cheers and, of course, a “dang, son” from Harris. Ryan forced a smile. He felt a little beaten up, but no worse than usual. The fight had been totally routine, and yet, he was still feeling off. He probably just needed to sit down. Take a breather. Everything was fine. Everything had to be fine. Nevertheless, it was probably a good idea to get home.

“Hey, Mark, can we go now? I’ve got homework,” Ryan said, hoping his excuse wasn’t transparent. Mark gave him a confused look.

“We just finished a fight. I have to repair the robot, dingus,” he said, “unless you want it to stay busted up.”

“My algebra grade will be the only thing busted up if I don’t get home and study. Sorry, but, you’re my ride,” Ryan returned, adding in a shrug and his annoying-little-brother smile. Luckily, Mark gave in, and they went out to his car.

Ryan was weirdly relieved to be out of Mech-X4, but he still had to get back home, to his room, where he could be by himself- just to be safe. Mark seemed to take notice of his brother feeling unsettled.

“You’re quiet. Not that I miss the sound of your voice, but are you feeling okay, Ry?” he asked, covering up concern with teasing in classic Mark Walker style. Why did he have to be concerned now, though?

“I just got beaten up by a giant monster. Sorry I’m not all chipper,” Ryan said, not sure how much longer he could keep it up.

“Ah, feeling a little sore. I can help you out when we get home. I mean, I’m sore all the time from carrying the basketball team on my shoulders.” Mark smiled at his own quip, and Ryan rolled his eyes as he always did at his brother’s arrogance. It was nice that he offered to help, but hopefully, Ryan would have disappeared into his room, trying with all he had to calm down, before Mark got the chance.

Finally, Ryan arrived back at his home. Thinking about needing to calm down while in the car only made him more anxious. He wasn’t feeling good at all, but he was safe, and all he had to do was go down the hall and up the stairs and into his room where he could shut the door and hope for the best. However, before Ryan was barely through the front door, Mark just had to open his mouth.

“Ryan, I’ve gotta say, you were awesome back there. When that monster attacked right at the visor, but you threw it off? Pretty cool,” Mark said. Why did he choose to start giving compliments now of all times?

_When that monster attacked right at the visor, but you threw it off?_

_Ryan could feel the monster’s fangs tearing at his own skull as he stared down its throat from inside Mech-X4. His body was numb with pain and adrenaline, he did the only thing he could- land an uppercut punch and throw the beast off of the robot. Ryan had to keep his head in the game, analyze the monster to make a split-second decision on a next move, and choke his fear down until later._

One sentence- _When that monster attacked right at the visor, but you threw it off?_ \- and something in Ryan’s head snapped. Just like the nightmare.

_No, no, not this again!_

Ryan clutched the couch for support and sank to the floor, his breathing quickening rapidly. He curled in on himself as a loop of the monster gnashing its teeth at him played in his head and wouldn’t go away. Ryan could feel the pain in his skull as acutely as if he were back in the fight. His violently shaking hands moved to hold the sides of his head. Ryan’s eyes were wide, wild, and panicked as they stared at nothing- the only thing he was aware of was the image in his head.

Mark was startled before immediately rushing over to his brother and kneeling beside him.

“Ryan? Ryan?” Mark said, scared, worried, and confused. Ryan barely responded, letting out only a whimper from the back of his throat, and staying in the same rigid, frozen position. Not even his eyes moved from their fixed gaze at a spot on the floor. Brow furrowed tightly, Mark tried again to get his brother’s attention, but the younger boy’s mind was somewhere else entirely. If he knew that Mark was there, he didn’t show it. Ryan mumbled a few mostly unintelligible words, but Mark picked out “monster” and “dying”.

Wait, _dying_?

Mark never called anyone as fast as he called Harris in that moment.

“Mark?” Harris’ voice came through the phone. “Never thought I’d get a call from-”

“Harris, there’s something wrong with Ryan. I don’t know what to do. I- I don’t know what’s happening. It might be really bad,” Mark frantically explained to Harris, whose tone immediately became serious as he picked up on the severity of the situation.

“Explain everything to me in as much detail as you can.”

“He’s on the floor. He’s sitting there, shaking, not moving, and he’s- he’s just staring. He won’t say anything to me, but he said something about a monster and- and dying. Harris, please, you need to help me-”

“Mark, listen to me, when did it start? Did you say anything before this happened?” Harris asked, his tone measured and, somehow, calm.

“I just said he did good in the fight, and he went catatonic out of nowhere!” Mark didn’t see the point of this, why couldn’t Harris just tell him what was wrong? Harris seemed to be getting an idea, though.

“Tell me exactly what you said.” Harris’ tone was frustratingly levelheaded in Mark’s ear.

“I said he did awesome in the fight when the monster attacked the visor and he threw it off. Just get to the point!”

“Okay, Mark, you have to calm down.”

“Calm down! Harris, my brother is-”

“If you don’t calm down, you’ll make it worse. It sounds like Ryan is having some kind of severe anxiety attack. Maybe a flashback. There’s not much you can do, just take a deep breath, stay with him, and try to ground him. If you’re freaking out, it’ll only increase the stress in Ryan’s head,” Harris explained. Mark took in a breath and let it out, calming himself down.

“Okay. What do I do?”

 

 

Mark followed Harris’ directions in the most composed manner he could manage. Trying to keep his voice gentle and level, he told Ryan that he wasn’t dying and that he was at home in the living room. Ryan never looked at Mark and hardly reacted to his presence at all, but at one point, Ryan’s hand started searching for something to grab on to, and it found Mark’s hand. Ryan grabbed Mark’s hand in a vise-like grip, and Mark was startled again. What was he supposed to do now? He closed his other hand around his little brother’s and awkwardly rubbed it with his thumb, hoping that it was soothing and would bring Ryan back to earth. Mark Walker, for the first time in a very long time, could not even pretend he had control of the situation. Not knowing for sure what to do felt foreign and made his gut twist. He felt so helpless. All he could do was kneel, hold his brother’s hand, and try to keep his voice from catching as he talked.

At long last, and to the relief of both boys, Ryan’s rigid form slackened, his breathing slowed, his grip on Mark’s hand loosened, and his eyes became less panicked as they looked away from the one point on the floor. Ryan glanced at Mark out of the corner of his eye before his face involuntarily crumpled and he fell into Mark’s arms.

Mark, truth be told, felt a little uncomfortable seeing his brother like this. He hadn’t seen Ryan cry since he was, like, ten. A full-blown breakdown wasn’t exactly something Mark knew how to handle, but that didn’t matter, because he had a job as an older brother, and in that moment, his job was to comfort Ryan. If he had any chance to redeem himself for being a jerk and prove that he cared, this was it. Mark embraced his younger brother in a tight hug.

They stayed like that for a little while, sitting on the floor. Mark found it harder and harder to keep it together as he held Ryan. Ryan’s chest heaved as he cried shakily.

“This wasn’t supposed to happen, Mark. Oh, God, you think I’m weak now, don’t you? I can’t believe I’m crying in front of Mark Walker,” Ryan started to babble through his sobs. There was no way Mark was going to stand for that kind of talk.

“Ryan, stuff happens. You didn’t have any more control over this than I did. I called Harris, and he told me that this thing was a flashback. Like, the PTSD kind. And that...that sucks, man. That really sucks. How could I judge you for that? Look, I may act like a jerk, but I actually care about you, dingus,” Mark said, every word from the heart. Ryan smiled a little as his crying subsided and he pulled away from Mark.

“You know what? I think that’s the nicest thing you’ve said to me, like, ever,” he remarked. Mark rolled his eyes and cracked a half-smile.

“You want anything?” he asked.

“Besides a nap that lasts about a hundred years? Don’t think so,” Ryan said.

“Okay, you go get some rest,” Mark said, helping his brother up, “And take it easy, man. None of your usual ‘I can handle it’ stuff. You hear me?” Ryan was surprised by his brother suddenly caring so outwardly, but he wasn’t ungrateful.

Mark watched Ryan slowly make his way to the stairs, looking more profoundly exhausted than any 14 year old should ever look. Ryan stopped and turned back around toward Mark.

“For real, though, that was scary. So, thanks for sticking by me, I guess,” Ryan said, wishing he had it in him to express his gratitude more fully. It was Ryan’s biggest fear that Mark would look down on him for this, but instead, Mark supported Ryan without question.

“Anytime. It’s what brothers are for, right?” Mark said, and Ryan cracked a small smile and gave a nod before continuing on his way.

Yep. That’s what brothers are for. Piloting Mech-X4 was a tough job, and if it was left up to Ryan, he’d carry the burden all on his own. Mark knew he had to stay by Ryan’s side, because Ryan would do the same for him. After all they’d been through recently, Mark and Ryan were closer to each other than ever before. In the end, even if they had nothing else, they’d have each other. No matter how messy things got, Mark would always be there for his little brother.

**Author's Note:**

> Do you ever go through months of a creativity drought and the one thing that inspires you is a kids' show?
> 
> Yeah, I recently got into Mech-X4 (like REALLY into it). Totally obsessed. Amazing show.
> 
> So this oneshot started forming in my head after watching the season 1 episode called Let's Be Idiots when Ryan was shown having symptoms of anxiety or PTSD in a scene at the beginning of the ep (which, as I'm sure you noticed, I retold in this). 
> 
> I think it's very plausible that Ryan would find himself struggling with his mental health. The stuff that he experiences as the pilot of Mech-X4 could probably traumatize an adult, let alone a freshman in high school. And if it was hinted at early in season 1, I have to wonder, did it get worse? Things only got scarier from then on, plus his mind was directly prodded at multiple times throughout the series. Or maybe I'm just reading too far into another kids' show?
> 
> So the first part of this oneshot takes place on the day that Ryan had some flashbacks in Let's Be Idiots. As for the second part, I'm not totally sure? All that's important is that it falls later in the season, once Ryan and Mark became close. I love their relationship so much, and writing that last line in this day and age was a very sad time indeed (for reference- I wrote it after Versus the Betrayal, and I'm posting this a few hours after the airing of Versus Harris). Also, the monster fight wasn't any fight from the show, I just needed something to be a catalyst for the climax so I came up with something vague but plausible.
> 
> Anyway. Hope you enjoyed my entry into the tragically small library of Mech-X4 stories! Seriously, WHERE'S the fandom for this awesome show?


End file.
